To Feel Like You Deserve, Sucks the Life Out of You
Recently a friend of mine passed away. It came to me as a complete shock as it did many others. As part of my grieving process, I was reading all the loving thoughts and memories posted on his Facebook wall. As I read and cried, I felt so close to him and could hear his big laugh like he was sitting with me reading about himself.
One post was from someone who felt they deserved to know more details about his passing. This stopped me in my tracks. Deserve, hmmmmm, what is it to deserve? According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, deserve means “to be worthy of”. I decided to walk away from my computer for a minute so I didn’t go all unsolicited Life Coach full of advice and questions on why this person felt they deserved information. (BTW I hate when people do this) Instead, I sat with this and thought about why people felt they deserved additional information that the family wasn’t planning to share.
When we feel we deserve anything, it means that we are expecting others to do as we want not necessarily what is best for those involved. In this case, it was a passing that was early in life. Shouldn’t the memories and how he touched one’s life be enough? Why does anyone feel they deserve to know more?
Deserving sets you up for disappointment because most of the time, when you feel you deserve, especially in situations like this, you won’t get it. That then turns into being mad, frustrated, angry, projecting your anger onto those holding back this “deserved” information. Some begin to beg, whine, others end up coming to the defense of those holding the precious info so you feel attacked and overall, shitty.
When you feel you deserve, you end up most of the time much worse off than going through the grieving of the amazing loss that just happened.
Grieving is pure, it’s clean, and it’s yours. You aren’t relying on anyone else to fill in the gaps for you as you are not feeling like you are deserving. Grieving isn’t easier with details. It doesn’t give you the closure you think you need. Grieving will. Focusing on the feeling of deserving just means, you’re not allowing yourself the opportunity to start the grieving process.
When there is a loss, go ahead; cry, be upset, hurt, relive memories, share them with others, send the family love and strength. Do what feels right, but remember feeling like you deserve anything, only makes it worse on you, no one else.