We read that after a breakup there is pain and we must just deal with that pain. But, how do you actually stop hurting after a breakup and what does it look like?
The breakup pain will come in waves. Many times pain comes from replaying what happened. It could be a big fight where you wish you did something differently or you could be replaying all the great times while leaving out the whole picture of the relationship. I call these unicorn and rainbow memories. We need to try to catch ourselves when we are doing this. It’s causing us a ton of extra pain. For this I teach clients to step back and see if they are only pinpointing a single memory and how it feels inside.
When does breakup pain go away?
We have all heard there is pain after a breakup, but how long does it last? See my post on How long breakups hurt.
There is no real answer. We all process a breakup differently. See my post on how breakup pain shows up in our daily lives.
Knowing how to recognize the pain allows us to work on healing so we don’t carry the baggage into our next relationship. Check out the tools to help get rid of the baggage and how it shows up in your life
What are you thinking about?
We have a ton of thoughts we think daily (like 60k a day thoughts) and we don’t pay attention to them. So it’s important to notice what is causing the pain. You will feel it in your body too. So, pay attention. Why is that thought hurting you? Is it a clean hurt or are you in a unicorn and rainbow thinking or are you in “if I could have or should have thinking”. Anything other than clean will not feel great in your body. I write more about what we are thinking.
Why are you thinking these thoughts?
Once you get good at noticing what you are actually feeling, question why you are thinking/feeling that. Ask yourself why and if what you are thinking is actually true or not. Try the Is It True cheatsheet.
Just because we think something, doesn’t make it true. We are able to dismiss thoughts that don’t work for us, but if you are not paying attention to what your thoughts are, you cannot decide if they are true or not.
Are you hurting yourself more with what you are thinking?
Make sure you aren’t trying to change things to make you feel worse. Be really honest with yourself. If the thoughts are garbage, dismiss them. No need to bring yourself more pain. You’re in enough pain from your breakup. No need to add to it. Here are a couple of articles to help you see if you are adding more pain to your breakup recovery. To Miss or Not to Miss and Past, Present, Future help you examine how you’re thinking about your past relationship.
If/When this happens do this…
Additionally I have my clients do a few activities when they feel pain, if I think of my ex at work, I will do xyz (example: go get a drink of water, walk around, make a prospect call or study a chapter for exams). This should get you back on track. Check out this cheat sheet to help break the habit of thinking about your ex.
Healthy distractions
I also suggest not falling into the just listen to music and think scenario. This also causes pain. One thing I mention to my clients is to start listening to podcasts or learn something new off a YouTube video. This will keep your brain active and not overthinking. Be mindful to not jump into the distraction diet with things that aren’t the most healthy. This is why I suggest learning something new or listening to a Podcast can help while grieving your breakup. It helps you have to focus on growing as a human instead of picking up new habits that may not be good for you.
Block your ex
If you haven’t blocked your ex on social media do that. It’s probably causing you pain. Try to minimize what you allow that will hurt you. Here’s where I write about feeling better faster by blocking your ex. There will be a void, but if you think back to the last 15 calls with your ex, how did they make you feel? Here’s an activity to analyze how the last 15 calls went.
How do you feel?
Learn to pay attention to how you feel, the pain you’re in and make sure you aren’t adding to the pain by the story you’re telling yourself. It hurts enough without piling more on. Learn more on examining how you feel.
Reconnect with others
Reach out to an old friend that you haven’t talked with in a while. Go do something together and catch up. Enjoy their company. Not in the same area? No problem! Set aside time to chat via voice chat (vc), Skype, or FaceTime.
Stop Checking
Stop checking their social media posts, reading their old messages to you, checking if they are online (I’m looking at you gamers). This will save you a ton of heartache and pain because it will keep you wondering what she’s doing and with whom. I write on why this is so important in your breakup recovery.
Get away
Go somewhere, do something, get out of your daily routine. Stay with friends, go see family, do a staycation, go camping, etc.. Changing the scenery can change your perspective. It gives you something else to think about and do. Learn more about getting away and why it can help.
Change it up
Find a new workout to try. Have you wanted to run in a race? What about a boot camp challenge? Want to be like Oliver Queen in Arrow? Take a martial arts class. Do something outside your norm. When you stretch yourself while grieving your relationship, you may find some new things you like. This is a very important process of getting through your breakup pain.
Are you ready to get back to things you used to do, but stopped because it reminded you of your ex? This can also be part of changing it up. Getting back to things you used to enjoy but haven’t done them in a while, check out my monthly challenge.
You need to grieve
It’s ok to be sad and miss her. Cry if you need to. This is all part of it. Write her a note saying everything you haven’t. It can be good, bad, or both. DO NOT SEND IT though. This is for you and your healing not her. Here’s more on why you need to grieve your relationship.
Stop communicating
Continuing to communicate especially out of fear that she will never talk with you again if you stop messaging feels icky inside and you’re not bringing your best self forward. You can become irrational, clingy, begging and have no boundaries that allow you to not feel like you are grasping. This will all make your ex want to communicate less with you.
Also, hoping the communication will go back to how it was in the old days isn’t likely to happen without some time and distance.
Give yourself and her some space to heal before attempting to communicate. It will allow communicating later to be more healthy for both of you. Check out my article on stop communicating.
Meet new peeps
Old friends are amazing, but so are new ones. New ones don’t have any history with you so you don’t have to explain what happened to your relationship. There is a lot of freedom in this
So, where do you meet these new peeps? Do you have an interest in hiking, going to the theater, bringing out your inner foodie? MeetUp.com is fantastic to find people to hang out with that share a common interest. On Meetup choose your location, what interests you and a lot of choices of groups show up. Join one or many, go to their events, enjoy new people and try new things. See why I find meetup so beneficial
Pack it up
Did she leave stuff at your place? Are you staring at it and thinking about all those memories? Pack it up. You don’t need to toss it out (You can if you want and it feels ok to you), but put it out of sight. Some places my clients have chosen are; in the garage, in the trunk of their car, or in a spare closet under the halloween decorations. Clear it all out so you can get your space back without the reminder. Read more on packing up your ex’s things from your house.
Solo style
Here’s the challenge of the week: go do something alone. Movies are awesome because you don’t talk during them. Plus, you can see whatever you want with no compromise or sharing of the popcorn. Finding joy in doing things alone gives you a ton of freedom in all parts of your life. Try it! **Is this too easy? Bonus challenge, go have a meal by yourself with minimal phone time while there. Have fun! Why is going out alone part of your breakup pain management? See more here.
The wrap up…
There will be pain and it will take time to stop hurting after your breakup. Going through some of or all of these tools will help you gain clarity, perspective, and help to get the story you tell yourself clean (not adding pain while you are already hurting). Learning the lessons presented from your past relationship helps you not repeat them in your future ones.
Your breakup will hurt, but you will be ok. If you decide to put in some work then you can evolve and change anything you want about yourself and what you want for your future.
Breakups give you the perfect excuse to change anything that doesn’t make you happy.
Look at the breakup as a journey. A journey to figure out who you are and what you like and don’t like. Examine what you want in your future partner, what kind of next relationship you want, and time to get in touch with who you are today. All of this can be exciting once you stop hurting after your breakup.
Here’s a 2 page cheat sheet on these tools
Join me on a session to work through some of your breakup pain.