Do we need closure like we think we do? Is it really as important as we think it is?
I hear from my clients all the time say they need to talk to their ex one more time to get closer. They want to hear that they matter. The relationship mattered. That they were loved and cared for and ultimately at some point wanted.
I wanted this so desperately. I wanted answers. I wanted to know if he cared so much why he did this to me. I wanted to know if he even felt bad (this one haunted me). I wanted to know why he lied to me.
I held on to this needing closure for a year. I was pissed, my feelings were hurt beyond belief. These questions ran through my head constantly making me in a state of anger and desperation for answers so I could feel better.
How was I to move on without answers?
I spoke with my coach about all this and my harboring of anger because I “needed” closure.
We spent some time discussing the serial liar I was dating and almost married. After working through why I dated him and the lessons I needed to learn about myself and what I wanted for my future relationship, She asked me a life changing question. “Why do you need to know he felt bad?” Why is that so important”?
She let me go on about why I needed this information. Calmly and patiently she said, “but if he called with all you wanted to hear, would you believe him” I was baffled but she wasn’t done. She reminded me that this man lied to me for 6 years.
I was dead silent
The answer is, I wouldn’t believe him. Not a single world would have been believed. She was right. I didn’t need it. I didn’t need him to say those words. I could just let go of needed that because it didn’t matter. It wouldn’t fix anything and maybe make it worse that I felt he kept lying to me making me more upset.
I needed to forgive myself for staying, for knowing better. I needed to learn the lessons so I didn’t stay if I ever found myself in a similar situation. I needed to release that hurt and anger, that wishing for something from my ex that truly didn’t matter.
How do you do this in your story?
- What closure do you think you need? Take some time to see what you are telling yourself.
- Why do you think you need it?
- What will change if you hear whatever it is?
- If you hear it, will everything magically go away and your breakup pain disappears?
Now, analyze what you want to know.
- Is it true that she didn’t care?
- Is it true the relationship didn’t matter?
- Is it true she doesn’t feel bad?
- Hint on this one: you can never know exactly what someone else is feeling words don’t mean it’s true.
- Does she miss me?
- You are not in her shoes, however, relationships always have moments you remember long term. So no matter what there will be something that makes your ex remember something.
You don’t need closure. Your ex is not a part of your grieving process or responsible for your healing because you are hurting.
This is 100% your job.
The best thing about it being your job is, when you don’t rely on your ex to give you closure, you control your own outcome. It’s empowering.
Are you still dealing with your breakup pain? Check this out