What does it look like when your ex is living rent free in your head?
- Thinking about ex
- Things trigger you because your ex did it
- Bring up your ex in conversations
- Blame your ex for everything
- The list can go on and on here
I’m going to share a couple stories and if any of this looks familiar, there will be tools on how to work on not doing this.
I dated a guy who had assured me that he had done the work to get over his ex who he said cheated on him. As someone who does this for a living I was able to pick up his baggage very early on.
His insecurities showed up in the arguments. He blamed me or things his ex did. Accused me of cheating and starving for any attention I could get. When he was drunk and he argued with me, he called me her name.
His hostility toward his ex was now pushed on all women did the same thing. All women were only successful if they sleep with their bosses.
The damage that was done to him by his ex cheating on him (whether she did or didn’t) he was positive that’s what all women do.
Now, all this is fine if it works for him, but when it becomes extremely toxic in the relationship, other women will walk out of his life also. This will further validate to him that women are the problem, not him. Living like this cannot possibly feel good.
How to get out of this spiral of thinking about your ex while dating:
- Figure out all the stuff you are telling yourself. You cannot fix what you don’t acknowledge. This is one of the most used tools I teach my clients. It’s life changing when you incorporate this into your daily life.
- Is it true? Ask yourself this for everything you tell yourself. If it’s not true, why on earth would you keep repeating it to yourself/ When you ask is this true, be really honest with yourself. Not just because your ex said something in a fight, does NOT make it true. Decide for yourself.
Example:
- Client: My ex said I didn’t love her.
- Me: Is that true?
- Client: She said it, so it must be.
- Me: No, is it really true? List all the ways you showed her you loved her.
- Client: Client lists items that showed he loved her
- Me: So, now is it really true that you didn’t love her?
- Client: No I did love her
- Me: Ok great so we don’t need to keep that thought since you just listed how you loved her, right?
- Client: Yeah, I did love her
Spend the time to weed through what you are telling yourself so you aren’t letting your ex live rent free in your head.
It doesn’t feel good replaying thoughts that hurt you, especially if they aren’t true.
Let’s give the cheating example:
- Client: She cheated. I wasn’t worth being faithful to
- Me: Is that true?
- Client: yes
- Me: Why do you feel that way?
- Client: She told me I was too busy working to pay attention to her.
- Me: Is that true? Did you not pay attention? Why were you working so much?
- Client: I did what I could when I had time. I even gave her “days off” when I wasn’t working to go hang out with her friends. She was busy with the kids and making sure our family was working while I was busy at work. I was working so much to make sure I could provide the best I could for our family.
- Me: So is it your fault knowing all that, she cheated on you?
- Client: No
- Me: How does it feel when you tell yourself that story of it being your fault she chose to cheat?
- Client: Like shit
- Me: But if it’s not true, why are you telling yourself it is?
- Client: I shouldn’t. That’s really dumb looking at it this way and blaming myself.
- Me: Can we maybe next time you have that thought, call bullshit and give yourself the proof why it is bullshit?
- Client: yes
- Me: Do you think that will help you from continuing to feel the way you do when you repeat this story?
- Client: yes
- Me: ok now, practice it. Notice what you are saying to yourself and question it. Give proof if it’s not true then dismiss it.
Take away:
Learn your lessons on things you didn’t like about you, how you handled things and what you want your future relationships to look like. This will give you clarity and ability to remove yourself from situations that don’t work for you. Also, being able to work on things you don’t like about you that will make your world easier.
Control what you can control. Your ex living in your brain is just your baggage and needs to be cleaned up. It is normal and you’re able to do this if you pay attention to what you think and why. Actively question it and it’s validity. Control what you can control which is only YOU.
Breakup pain still showing up? Check this out
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